


carried away

by bespokenboy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Fluff, M/M, fake dating kinda bc i dont deserve to live, jeonghan's sweaty hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 12:18:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11013273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespokenboy/pseuds/bespokenboy
Summary: Seokmin makes it too easy for Jeonghan to forget that teaching his freshly single bandmate how to date is a terrible idea.





	carried away

It takes all of Jeonghan’s self-control to keep his expression remote when Seokmin confesses to him in a low voice that he’d been dumped. For a moment, neither of them say a word as Seokmin’s confession hangs in the still silence. They're sitting on the edge of Jeonghan’s bed while everyone else is ordering food in the living room. Seokmin's eyes are on his lap, where his hands are fidgeting with the loose hem of his t-shirt. 

Jeonghan casts a quick glance to the door just to make sure that it's still closed. He takes a deep breath, trying to gather thoughts that have been thrown into a disarray. 

The first thing Jeonghan asks is, “Why are you telling me this, Seokmin?”

Out of everyone in Seventeen, Jeonghan wouldn't exactly consider himself the best person to go to for personal advice. There are members with far more empathy and wisdom, like Seungcheol and even Soonyoung. And Seokmin isn't as close to Jeonghan as he is to guys closer to his age, like Minghao and Mingyu. 

“Because,” Seokmin starts to say, and then his expression falters, like he's deciding whether or not to finish his sentence. “Because I thought that hyung would understand how it feels to do something wrong, and not want anybody to know about it.”

The corner of Jeonghan’s mouth rises involuntarily when he realizes that Seokmin is teasing him even at a time like this, and he reaches over to give Seokmin a little shove. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeonghan asks, indignant. 

A sly little smile sneaks its way onto Seokmin’s face, and Jeonghan thinks about how he’d much rather see Seokmin smiling mischievously, than close to tears like he'd been at the beginning of their conversation.

“It means that I trust you, Jeonghan-hyung,” Seokmin says. “And instead of trying to lecture me or give me advice, I know that you would just listen, and that you could keep my secret.”

“That’s right. You can tell me anything, Seokmin,” Jeonghan says, feeling suddenly more hyung-like than he ever had a right to. He wouldn't include himself in the top five most reliable guys among their group of friends, but right now he wants to be an older brother, a confidant—whatever Seokmin needs him to be. 

“I've been dating someone from my high school for the past few months, but….well, you know. Things didn't work out,” Seokmin says. “Nobody knew about our relationship—nobody at the company, not even my parents.”

Something clenches in Jeonghan’s stomach when he recalls the subtle changes in Seokmin’s behavior over the past few months. There were days when Seokmin had been uncontrollably happy to a point of giddiness, making everyone around him laugh with his silly antics. Jeonghan just assumed that those moments were just bursts of hyperactive energy, but now those memories are underlaid with a different meaning. And then there were days when Seokmin had been unusually somber and withdrawn. Those days make a lot more sense now too. 

Jeonghan hates that he's noticed all the little shifts in Seokmin’s mood without even realizing it was because of a secret girlfriend, of all things. It's so Seokmin and yet so _un_ -Seokmin at the same time that Jeonghan doesn't even know what to think. 

“I’m not going to tell you whether what you did was right or wrong, but...how are you feeling?” Jeonghan asks. Seokmin’s hand is easily within reach as he picks nervously at Jeonghan’s bed sheets, and Jeonghan wants so badly to hold onto it. 

Seokmin shrugs, dejected. “I'm sad and frustrated, because I feel like I messed everything up. I'm just so clumsy and stupid when it comes to these things.”

“Well, I'm surprised you managed to sneak around with your secret girlfriend for so long.”

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“It seems like you can't even ride the subway by yourself. Remember all the times you called me for help because you missed your stop? I'm always amazed every time you manage to make it back to our dorm.”

“You're so patient with me, hyung,” Seokmin says, and he’s smiling now, thankfully. “I feel like it's okay for me to tell you when I mess up, because you'll help me no matter what.”

Jeonghan finally gives in to the urge to hold Seokmin’s hand. He laces his fingers through Seokmin’s, admiring the way that his pale skin contrasts against Seokmin’s naturally tan skin. 

“That’s because I'm used to you being an idiot, Seokmin-ah,” he murmurs.

“I love you too, hyung,” Seokmin says, and he rests his chin on Jeonghan’s shoulder.

Which definitely does _not_ make Jeonghan’s insides feel tingly because that’s not only stupid, it’s dangerous, which are two of Jeonghan’s least favorite things, besides having to do things that are annoying and too much work. 

Before Jeonghan allows himself even the slightest chance of enjoying the feeling of Seokmin’s warm breath against his exposed collarbone and the comfort of skin to skin contact, Jeonghan whines, “Your chin is too sharp,” and tries to shrug Seokmin away.

“Your shoulder is too sharp,” Seokmin whines back. He resists Jeonghan’s half-hearted shove and just clings to him harder.

“Then move your chin away from my shoulder.”

“Move your shoulder away from my chin.”

“No.”

“No.”

“That was the most idiotic conversation I’ve ever had,” Jeonghan sighs. 

He looks up at the mirror by his dresser and his breath catches at the sight of their reflection—Seokmin’s eyes are closed, and he’s looking as content as he could be with his cheek nestled against Jeonghan’s neck.

Jeonghan closes his eyes and just soaks in the moment. 

“Have you ever had your heart broken, hyung?” Seokmin asks suddenly, and Jeonghan’s eyes flutter open.

“I don’t think so,” Jeonghan says calmly. He tries to recall the last time he was on the receiving end of a broken heart, and he can’t.

“Then you must have broken a lot of hearts.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You seem like someone who has a lot of experience with relationships.”

“I’ve never even had a girlfriend,” Jeonghan says, and he leaves it at that.

Seokmin groans and flops onto the mattress, taking Jeonghan down with him in a messy crash of limbs. Jeonghan untangles himself from Seokmin and sits up straight, his heart pounding from more than just the shock of being knocked down.

“Can I put my head in your lap, hyung?” Seokmin asks, looking up at Jeonghan with imploring eyes.

Jeonghan agrees without thinking, and then he realizes with a pang that Seokmin must have spent hours like this, with someone else’s hands threading through his hair. But Seokmin looks so adorably content and his thick hair is so soft to the touch that Jeonghan can’t bring himself to stop as he massages Seokmin’s scalp, drawing out happy little sighs. 

It’s so comfortable and natural that Jeonghan’s mind starts to wander, thinking about what if it could always be like this, with Seokmin. What if they could spend endless hours alone together, touching each other and talking about everything and nothing. 

As he combs his fingers through Seokmin’s hair, Jeonghan wonders if Seokmin is thinking about him too, or if he's still thinking about the breakup. It doesn't seem like Seokmin wants to go into detail about what happened, and Jeonghan doesn't ask. He's not sure he wants to know. 

Seokmin starts to hum a tune, and Jeonghan feels the vibration of Seokmin’s voice before he can make out the vaguely familiar melody. It’s not one of their songs, so Jeonghan can't recall its name. His fingers tap against Seokmin’s broad chest on instinct, following the lazy rhythm. Seokmin’s voice is low and warm, yet so vulnerable and sweet that Jeonghan feels something break inside of him. 

Jeonghan’s resistance to attractive men is low, but his soft spot for Seokmin was never really just about his looks. Right now though, looking at his high cheekbones and glowing skin, Jeonghan finds Seokmin devastatingly beautiful.

“Fuck, I think I’m in love,” Jeonghan whispers so quietly that it's inaudible to Seokmin’s ears. 

Eventually, Seokmin falls quiet. Jeonghan sees the struggle on his face, like he's trying to figure out what to say. On one hand, Seokmin is an open book—expressive and unfiltered to a fault—but on the other hand, Jeonghan feels sometimes like he doesn’t know Seokmin at all. 

“Can you help me with something, hyung?” Seokmin asks, and Jeonghan’s heart swoops in the most stupid fucking way when their eyes meet.

“Depends,” Jeonghan says warily. Even in a moment of emotional weakness, he would never agree to anything annoying or inconvenient.

“Could you teach me how to be a better boyfriend?”

“Stop joking, Seokmin-ah.”

“Hyung, I’m not.”

“But you’re smiling,” Jeonghan points out. 

“Because if I stopped smiling I think I would cry.”

Jeonghan doesn't say anything, and Seokmin adds desperately, “Please, hyung? Can you just go on a few dates with me and show me what to do? I'll pay for everything and do whatever you want.”

“I’ll think about it,” Jeonghan says absentmindedly. His mind is racing as he weighs the benefits of temporary happiness against the cost of falling in love for real.

“Are you thinking about it, hyung?” Seokmin asks after a few seconds of silence.

“You want me to make a decision right now?”

Seokmin nods, his eyes wide and trusting, like a child’s. Jeonghan can't say no to that. 

Against his better judgment, Jeonghan gives in. Because it’s Seokmin. Because he’s realized by now that he wants Seokmin more than anything else, and because this might be his only chance to have him, even if it means playing pretend.

“Fine. I’ll teach you whatever I can.”

“Really?” Seokmin says, and the way his eyes light up makes the inevitable cost of their arrangement worth it, just a little bit. 

“Of course. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

Jeonghan gives him a big smile, hoping that Seokmin doesn’t notice that his eyes are brittle and watery. He feels like he’s driving fast, but in the wrong direction, except right now it doesn’t even matter where he’s going because he’s all alone, and nobody’s watching.  
  
  
  
A movie date is easy and discreet, and Jeonghan wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy, so that's what they take on first. It works out conveniently enough since the entire band is given a night off, and nobody asks twice when Jeonghan and Seokmin inform their managers that they’ll be spending their free time together. 

The only road bump they encounter is when they discover that Seungcheol and Jihoon had similar ideas for how to spend a few hours of leisure time on a Saturday night. 

“Come on, let’s go somewhere else,” Jeonghan mutters when he sees their friends buying tickets at the same movie theater Seokmin picked out. 

But it’s too late. Seokmin is already waving at them, probably having already forgotten the greater purpose at hand. 

“What are you guys going to see?” Seungcheol asks. He holds up the tickets he just bought for Jihoon and himself. “We’re going to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie, we should all sit together!”

Before Seokmin has a chance to agree and undermine their plans for the day, Jeonghan says, “We’re not here for Guardians of the Galaxy.”

Jeonghan isn't sure who looks more confused, Seungcheol or Seokmin. 

“What are you going to watch, then?” Jihoon asks. 

Jeonghan looks at the movie posters on display and points to a gory, low budget slasher film. “That one,” he says with a bright smile.

Seungcheol’s expression crumples in disgust, and he says doubtfully, “Hope you guys have fun.”

As he and Jihoon wander off, Jeonghan catches Jihoon saying, “I kinda wanted to watch that movie, too...”

“Are we really going to watch that horror movie?” Seokmin asks timidly. 

“Yeah, why not? You scared or something?”

“Of course not! Let's go!” Seokmin says, and grabs Jeonghan’s hand. 

Jeonghan just wants to laugh at how easy it is to bait Seokmin. He almost feels bad about knowing exactly how to play him. 

He lets Seokmin lead him by the hand into the darkened movie theater, which is mostly empty except for a few isolated clusters of couples and a handful of loners. They settle into their seats, and Jeonghan notices by the dim glow of the movie screen that Seokmin has a little grin on his face. 

“What are you smiling about?” Jeonghan asks suspiciously. 

“Your hand feels kinda moist, hyung,” Seokmin says. “Are you nervous?”

Jeonghan snatches his hand away from Seokmin and smacks him, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “It was hot outside!” he sputters, and tries to wipe his hands against his jeans. 

Seokmin grabs Jeonghan’s hand again and murmurs, “I _like_ it, hyung. I _want_ to feel your sweat.”

“Why do you have to make this weird?” Jeonghan hisses under his breath. Thankfully, their voices are muffled by the sound of the movie previews on screen. 

Seokmin ignores him and rubs Jeonghan’s palm against his face, resisting Jeonghan’s attempt to wrestle free from his grip. Eventually Jeonghan gives in and lets Seokmin play with his hand. 

It feels nice, the way Seokmin’s slim fingers fit against the curve of his palm. Jeonghan closes his eyes and blocks out everything else besides the feeling of Seokmin’s hands against his own. 

He's so focused on their skinship that Jeonghan doesn't realize the movie’s started until Seokmin is suddenly squeezing the life out of his hands. The theater is completely dark now, and vaguely menacing music plays in the background as the opening credits drift across the screen.

“Hey,” Jeonghan says softly, giving Seokmin’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You okay, Seokmin-ah? The scary part hasn't even started yet.”

“H-huh?” Seokmin looks down at his lap, like he's only just registered that he's still holding onto Jeonghan's hand. He lets go quickly out of embarrassment. 

“We don't have to watch this movie if you don't want to,” Jeonghan says. “I just didn't want to be in the same theater as the other kids. We can leave if you're not okay with this.”

“Of course I’m okay with it,” Seokmin says, and the way he's so clearly trying to be brave is impossibly endearing. He slips his fingers around Jeonghan's hand and continues, “But I understand if you're scared, hyung. You can hide your face in my shoulder if a monster comes out.”

He taps his shoulder just to show where he wants Jeonghan to bury his face, and Jeonghan just rolls his eyes. 

“This isn't that kind of a horror film,” he says. He adds reluctantly, “But I’ll admit that was pretty smooth.”

Jeonghan doesn't need to look at Seokmin to know that he's beaming. 

The movie doesn’t waste any time in building up to the bloodbath scenes. There are only a few sparse minutes of terrible dialogue before the killing and stalking begin. Seokmin yelps at the first sight of blood and clutches at Jeonghan’s sleeve, while Jeonghan just laughs at the tacky special effects. 

Seokmin lasts about five more minutes. And then he's trembling so hard that Jeonghan whispers, “I’m going to the bathroom, want to come with me?”

Seokmin nods silently and then follows Jeonghan through the dark corridor leading out to the hallway. They duck into the men’s restroom, and Jeonghan fixes his hair, tucking the chestnut strands under his baseball cap as Seokmin splashes cold water on his face. Jeonghan pats Seokmin’s skin dry with a paper towel. 

“You okay?” Jeonghan asks tenderly, touching Seokmin’s pallid cheek. “Want to go sit outside for awhile? I'll buy us something delicious to eat.”

“Is it okay if we do? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin our date....”

“We’re not actually on a date, remember? Don't worry about it.”

Jeonghan says it more as a reminder to himself, because it was starting to feel more and more like a real date. He wants so badly to misunderstand the way that Seokmin holds his hand intently for a little too long, or the way that Seokmin smiles at him like he's the best thing in the world. Because that's just how Seokmin is. He makes every person he talks to feel like they're something special, so Jeonghan just has to be content with pretending like he means anything to him. 

The blue evening had turned into a black night by the time they step outside to breathe in the fresh summer air. They find a bench facing a fountain spouting glimmering dark water into a marble pool, and they eat the ice cream cones Jeonghan bought from the concession stand on their way out. Seokmin says nothing for a rare few minutes of silence as he absently nibbles at his ice cream and watches the rippling water reflect the glow of the moon.

Eventually Jeonghan gives him a hint. “If this was a real date, now would be the perfect time to hold my hand.”

“Me?” Seokmin asks, startled. 

Jeonghan chuckles affectionately because Seokmin may be an idiot, but he's so goddamn _cute_. “Who else is going to hold my hand, if not you?”

Even in the darkness, Jeonghan can discern Seokmin’s ears turning red. He wishes that he could lean in and kiss the tips of Seokmin’s ears and make him blush even harder. 

And then Jeonghan realizes that there's nothing stopping him—so he does. Seokmin twitches and makes a shocked, breathy little sound, and Jeonghan laughs, satisfied. It's his real laugh, which is more like a throaty cackle, not the generous, shimmery laugh he uses when Seungcheol requests a good reaction.

“Hyung, I thought you were going to let me take the lead,” Seokmin says meekly. 

The earnest look in Seokmin’s eyes tugs at Jeonghan’s heartstrings, so he offers the younger man his hand. 

Seokmin snickers to himself when they link hands again, and Jeonghan demands, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“You'll hit me again, hyung.”

“I promise I won't, tell me what you're laughing about.”

“Your hand’s still sweaty.”

Jeonghan hits him again. 

The night deepens like this as they hold hands in a comfortable silence. Seokmin doesn't seem to be in a hurry to let go of Jeonghan’s hand, and there's no way Jeonghan will be the first to let go either. 

He still has no idea what might be going through Seokmin’s mind, whether any of this is having any kind of effect on Seokmin like it is for Jeonghan. He’s never felt so close and yet so distant from Seokmin as he does now.

Under the soft glow of moonlight, Jeonghan notices Seokmin watching him with an expression that he’s never seen before. His eyes are trained on Jeonghan’s face with a kind of intensity that tickles Jeonghan’s insides.

“What’s up?” Jeonghan asks, and Seokmin squeezes his hand.

“I might be going crazy,” Seokmin says in a low voice, “but I’m feeling kind of brave right now, hyung.”

Before Jeonghan has a chance to ask him what he means, Seokmin leans in so close that their foreheads almost touch. Words get stuck in Jeonghan’s throat, and the questions racing through his mind turn to static. Jeonghan gives up on any thoughts other than how soft Seokmin’s lips look and how close they are to his own. 

He isn’t sure who closes the distance between their lips, or even who lets out a soft grunt when it happens. Jeonghan vaguely registers the lingering sweetness of chocolate ice cream as Seokmin slips his tongue into Jeonghan’s mouth. 

It's unlike any other first kiss Jeonghan can remember. It's sloppy, and Seokmin is a little too eager, but their kiss charged with unsaid emotion and pent-up tension. Even when their teeth crash, Jeonghan can't get enough because it's _Seokmin_ that he's kissing. Seokmin, who seemed so unattainable and far out of reach, who is now sucking on Jeonghan’s lip so hard his teeth break skin. 

“Ah!” Jeonghan gasps when he tastes a burst of copper on his tongue. 

Seokmin tries to apologize, but Jeonghan leaves a gentle kiss on his mouth to calm him down before pulling away just far enough for their foreheads to still touch. Jeonghan cradles Seokmin’s chin in his hands and closes his eyes, feeling their breaths mingle. 

Somehow this is even more intimate and sensual than kissing, the way that Jeonghan’s fingertips trace the outline of Seokmin’s jaw as Seokmin smooths his fingers over Jeonghan’s nape. 

Jeonghan runs his tongue across his top row of teeth, collecting the last drops of blood slicked against his teeth. And then he purses his lips gently, leaving delicate pecks against Seokmin’s closed mouth. 

“Ah, don't do that hyung!” Seokmin says, breaking away from Jeonghan.

“Why not?” Jeonghan demands, feeling flustered by the rejection. 

“That feels so weird… Can we go back to how we were kissing before?”

“So you only like making out? And biting my lips?”

“I guess,” Seokmin admits sheepishly. 

“Wow, you're scary,” Jeonghan laughs. 

“We don't have to do it if you don't want to, hyung. I'm sorry, I should have asked if you were okay with it before just going ahead–”

“Shh, I'm just teasing you. I liked it, Seokmin-ah. Why don't we find somewhere more private?”

Seokmin’s eyes fly open, like he's only just realized that they're out in public. Thankfully it's dark and remote enough that there's little chance of being seen, but moviegoers could wander over to their spot at any moment. 

“Where should we go, hyung? Back to the dorms?” Seokmin asks naively. 

It's so adorable that Jeonghan can't resist kissing him on the cheek. 

“There's a hotel nearby where we can stay for the night. It's not too expensive, and they don't ask questions.”

“You really know what you're doing,” Seokmin says quietly, a little nervous and a little in awe. 

Jeonghan takes Seokmin to a vaguely disreputable-looking hotel and checks them into a dimly lit room that smells like bleach masking something worse. The sheets appear clean, but the discolored gray carpet makes Seokmin nervous about taking his shoes off.

There’s a single bed in the middle of the room. It faces a television that appears functional enough. Seokmin lifts up the remote control and asks, “Want to watch something, hyung?”

Jeonghan plucks the remote out of Seokmin’s hand and places it on the nightstand, out of Seokmin’s reach. “I’d rather make out with you some more.”

He pushes Seokmin onto the bed and traps him there with his body. Their mouths meet in a long, fervent kiss punctuated with low moans and gasps. Jeonghan grabs ahold of Seokmin’s wide hips and pins him to the mattress as he sucks on Seokmin’s earlobe. 

“Are you into that?” Jeonghan whispers into Seokmin’s ear, feeling completely uninhibited now. They've crossed a thrilling threshold, and Jeonghan wants to make the most of it.

“Ah, um, I’m not sure,” Seokmin says, twitching and gasping when Jeonghan’s tongue traces the outer ridge of his ear in a warm, wet stroke. 

“Mmm, okay,” Jeonghan says. “What do you like, then?”

“I don’t know, hyung,” Seokmin says. He laces their fingers together and looks up at Jeonghan with such sweet sincerity that Jeonghan’s chest squeezes. “Let’s find out together?”

Kissing, both gentle and rough, turns into frantically taking off clothing to feel each other’s bodies. Jeonghan had seen Seokmin’s body many times already, but this is the first time he can actually live out his fantasy of touching Seokmin's thickly muscled, firm thighs. It takes all of his self-control to not leave marks all over them.

He can feel the the hard muscles in Seokmin's thighs tightening and moving under his skin as he positions himself in Jeonghan’s lap. 

“Can I touch you here, hyung?” Seokmin asks earnestly, reaching for Jeonghan’s erection. 

Jeonghan bites his lip and nods. Seokmin’s fist closes around him and begins moving slowly, loosening and tightening his grip just the way Jeonghan likes it. He squeezes his eyes so hard that stars burst behind his eyelids. 

“Ah, Seokmin,” Jeonghan grits out. It feels so good to be touched by Seokmin that Jeonghan feels like he could fall apart at any second. 

“What's up, hyung?” Seokmin says, pausing to look at Jeonghan intently. 

“Nothing, keep going, you're so good, Seokmin.”

The corner of Seokmin’s mouth quirks up in a satisfied little smile, and he resumes jerking him off until Jeonghan’s muscles are quivering and he can't hold back his moans. He sinks his teeth into Seokmin’s shoulder just so he won’t scream. Seokmin’s hand goes still and he lets Jeonghan thrust his hips desperately until he cums into Seokmin’s fist. 

Jeonghan pulls away from Seokmin to grab him a box of tissues and helps him clean up the mess. He notices a purple blotch on Seokmin’s shoulder just above the dip of his collarbone where Jeonghan had bitten him. A strange, tingly feeling blooms in Jeonghan’s chest as he thinks about how Seokmin will be looking at that mark on his skin for the next couple of days at least. 

“Your turn,” Jeonghan says, and he crawls between Seokmin’s legs.

He kisses the inside of Seokmin’s thigh and looks up to see Seokmin covering his mouth with his hand like he’s holding back a laugh.

“What’s up?” Jeonghan asks.

“I can’t handle you, hyung,” Seokmin says. “Not when you’re looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m something good to eat.”

Jeonghan hides his eyes and lets out an embarrassed little chuckle before looking up at Seokmin again with his eyelids lowered and his bottom lip between his teeth. He licks his lips in a way that’s been described as seductive by some people and gross by others.

“Ah, hyung, you’re so sexy I’m going crazy,” Seokmin says.

Jeonghan usually lives for that kind of praise, but right now all Jeonghan can think about is, when did Seokmin learn to talk like that in bed?

“I’ll drive you even more crazy,” Jeonghan says, and he takes Seokmin’s cock inside his mouth before he has the chance to respond. 

Seokmin’s thoughts are snatched out of his mind, and he lets out a strangled cry when he feels the hot wet heat of Jeonghan’s mouth closing tightly around his cock.

His hands grasp blindly at Jeonghan’s arms before his fingers find purchase in Jeonghan’s hair. Jeonghan moans when Seokmin pulls at his hair, and the vibrations send electric jolts throughout his entire body.

“Fuck, I can’t stand it anymore hyung, I’m gonna cum,” Seokmin whines.

He tries to squirm away, but Jeonghan holds him in place by the thighs, which squeeze around his head when Seokmin climaxes into Jeonghan’s throat. Jeonghan closes his eyes and licks the last drops of semen from Seokmin’s cock before laying down next to him.

He’s never seen Seokmin look more beautiful than he does now, breathless and sweaty and smiling.

“I need a moment,” Seokmin groans, his chest heaving.

Jeonghan laughs softly. “Of course. Did you think we’d be going another round so soon?”

“Ah, hyung, you know what I mean.” Seokmin hides his eyes in his elbow in embarrassment, until Jeonghan gently pries his arm away from his face.

Jeonghan moves Seokmin’s arm around his shoulders like he’s positioning a doll so that he can nestle up against him and rest his hand against Seokmin’s chest. Seokmin’s skin is radiating heat, and he gasps when Jeonghan presses his cold feet against his legs. 

Letting out a happy sigh, Jeonghan closes his eyes, ready to slip into unconsciousness. His stomach flips when he feels Seokmin bring his hand up to his lips to leave a soft kiss against his knuckles.

Jeonghan has to bite on his lip to keep himself from saying something stupid like, “I love you.”

“I just realized something,” Seokmin says in a sleepy murmur.

“Hmm?”

“I never asked… Are you dating anyone, hyung?”

“No. I haven’t dated anyone in a long time.”

“Why not? You’re so fun to be around, and you’re so good at everything. A lot of people could fall in love with you, I think.”

“I’m too hard to love,” Jeonghan says without any further explanation. 

Seokmin nods absently and lets it go, too exhausted for Jeonghan’s words to fully register. He pulls a sheet over their bodies once his skin has cooled off, and they fall asleep like that, with Jeonghan in his arms and Seokmin’s lips against Jeonghan’s forehead.  
  
  
  
They wake up holding hands, and it’s the most terrifying thing Jeonghan has ever experienced, feeling this much in love. For a moment, Jeonghan just looks at their hands twined together and admires Seokmin’s long, slender fingers and the angular bones jutting from his wrists and finger joints. 

And then Jeonghan lets go of Seokmin’s hand and rolls over to turn away from him. It’s still dark outside and Seokmin is still sound asleep, leaving Jeonghan alone with his thoughts. He loses track of how long he lays there like this, awake but feeling strained, like he’s close to coming apart in pieces. 

Finally, Jeonghan gives into the feeling. He’s upset. He’s really fucking upset that he’s put himself in this situation, that he kissed and slept with Seokmin like there wouldn’t be any consequences. He just set himself up for heartbreak, because what else did he think could possibly come out of this? If he doesn’t put an end to this now, their relationship will be destroyed some day or another, and there’s no way they’ll be able to go back to being friends.

Jeonghan bites his lip again, this time trying not to cry.

At last, like a fever, the feeling breaks and he’s calm again. For better or for worse, Jeonghan has always had the ability to control how much he allows something to bother him. Sometimes it’s just more difficult than other times.

“We hope that you’ll continue to support Seventeen as we promote our new album,” Seokmin says suddenly.

Jeonghan is so startled that he lets out a yelp that makes Seokmin stir from his sleep.

“Oh my god, you scared me,” Jeonghan says, sitting up straight.

“What did I do?” Seokmin mumbles. He’s still half-asleep, and Jeonghan can’t tell if his eyes are open or closed.

“You were sleeptalking again like a scary robot boy.”

“Huh?” Seokmin blinks at Jeonghan, looking adorably confused. “What did I say?”

“You sounded like you were trying to promote our new album that doesn’t exist yet.”

Seokmin is fully awake now, and he sits up. Jeonghan tries not to notice the smooth contours of his chest, or at how amazing Seokmin’s skin looks in the amber morning light. 

“Do you think we’ll have a comeback soon?” Seokmin asks.

“Why are you asking me? Jihoon would know better than I do.”

“Haven’t you been writing lyrics?”

Jeonghan feels his face start to burn, because he _had_ been trying to help with the new album however he could, even if it meant spending hours coming up with clumsy words that would be scratched out as soon as he said them aloud. He’s embarrassed by how much he agonized just to produce a few usable lines. Jeonghan has never liked letting his hardest struggles show.

“A little bit,” Jeonghan says nonchalantly. “We might be able to use them in one of our songs.”

“That’s amazing!” Seokmin exclaims. “You’re so amazing.”

The sight of Seokmin’s eyes so wide and sparkling, like he’s genuinely overjoyed, makes a hairline fracture in Jeonghan’s heart.

It feels surreal that they're having a normal conversation like this, especially after what just happened the night before. It's almost like it was just a dream, until Seokmin says, “I really want to kiss you, hyung, but my breath…”

Jeonghan indulges himself one last time and gives Seokmin a tiny peck on the lips before leaving the bed wordlessly to take a shower. For a few long minutes, Jeonghan just stands under the stream of warm water with his hands braced against the wall as he tries to collect his thoughts. He reminds himself that all of this will only bother him as much as he allows it to. 

There's a soft knock on the bathroom door, and Jeonghan says automatically, “Come in.”

They're all accustomed to sharing bathrooms and shower stalls, but Jeonghan's instincts tell him that right now is not a good time to take a shower with Seokmin. He turns the faucet off and steps out, wrapping a towel around his waist. 

“Did you want to take a shower with me, Jeonghan-hyung?” Seokmin asks. 

“Ah, sorry, I just finished.”

“Hyung, you look so sexy.”

“Where did you learn to speak like that, Seokmin-ah?” Jeonghan asks, keeping his voice disinterested. He wipes steam from the mirror to look at his own reflection, if only to ignore the way that Seokmin is watching him. 

Seokmin reaches out to touch Jeonghan’s hair, but Jeonghan deliberately steps away from him just as his fingertips graze his dark, wet strands. Seokmin quickly snatches back his hand, as though he's been burned. If anything, Seokmin can take a hint. 

But Seokmin doesn't give up. “Are you going to grow your hair out again, hyung?”

“Maybe,” Jeonghan replies tersely. “Or maybe I'll bleach it.”

“You're going to go blond again?”

Jeonghan shrugs. “Haven't had light hair in a while, and never this short.”

“You look good no matter how short or long your hair is,” Seokmin says, beaming at him. 

“Hair is the last step, we have to make sure we’ll actually have a comeback first,” Jeonghan says, and he leaves the bathroom before Seokmin has a chance to say anything else. 

By the time Seokmin returns from the shower, Jeonghan is ready to talk. 

“I wanted to say something about last night,” he begins. 

“Yeah?” The hopeful light in Seokmin's eyes is extinguished as soon as he sees the pain in Jeonghan's expression. It's not obvious—Jeonghan is clearly trying to hide it—but it's there, and Seokmin's heart sinks to his stomach. 

“I got carried away,” Jeonghan says. “And I'm sorry. None of that should have happened.”

Not when Seokmin was so emotionally vulnerable after getting dumped and craving intimacy the way that people just do after breakups. Jeonghan knew the state Seokmin had been in, and yet he still took advantage of it. And even though Seokmin consented, Jeonghan knows that what they did had nothing to do with his feelings for Jeonghan. Seokmin was just lonely. 

Seokmin nods blankly, though he couldn't disagree more. “So… What do we do now?”

“We go back to the dorms and we don't let this get in the way of our band’s success.”

It's brutal even to his own ears, but Jeonghan would rather hurt Seokmin now, all at once, than hurt him slowly over the long run. It's better to face reality now on their own terms than later when they might not be prepared to. At least, these are the things Jeonghan tells himself when he sees Seokmin’s quietly distraught expression. 

Before Jeonghan can think of something to say to soften the blow of his words, Seokmin says, “I don't regret it. Sleeping with you, I mean.”

“You're so unfair,” Jeonghan laughs, but it comes out bitter and mangled. 

Seokmin looks confused, but Jeonghan doesn't explain. “Come on, we have to get back now.”  
  
  
  
For the first time, Jeonghan feels confident in the lyrics he presents to Jihoon during their songwriting session. Jihoon’s eyebrows arch when he reads the notebook page handed to him, which is enough of a compliment to satisfy Jeonghan—usually Jihoon reads Jeonghan's lyrics with a blank face no matter how bad it is. Jeonghan must have struck something good if it's able to pull a reaction from Jihoon. 

“What do you think?” Jeonghan asks. 

“It's really good, hyung. I know exactly how we can incorporate it into our song.”

“Really?”

“There's real pain here, which is what we’re aiming for.”

Jeonghan's smile fades a little bit when he realizes he must have been a little too honest with his lyrics. He might have poured a little bit too much of himself into his words.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Jihoon asks when he notices Jeonghan's dimmed expression. “Did someone hurt you?”

“No, what do you mean?” Jeonghan says, suddenly flustered. 

“I was just joking. It seemed like something heartbreaking must have happened for you to write lyrics like this.”

He turns back to his computer screen and starts moving beats around on his songwriting program, allowing Jeonghan to save face. 

“I'll make sure your name is in the album credits, hyung.”

“Ah, that's not what this is about, Jihoon-ah. I just wanted to help out however I can.”

“I know.”  
  
  
  
With their upcoming album locked in, it feels like a long time passes before Jeonghan has a chance to speak alone with Seokmin again. Dance practices and recording sessions bleed so late into the night that Jeonghan doesn't even have the opportunity to feel lonely. 

But sometimes, during quiet moments of reflection, Jeonghan misses Seokmin like a phantom limb. He wishes that they didn't have to be so on guard around each other, but pretending like nothing happened is easier said than done. 

It hurts, when a close friend suddenly feels unfamiliar. It's happened to Jeonghan before when friends betrayed him in the past, but never like this. Because no matter how Jeonghan rationalizes what happened in his mind, he can't help but feel like he betrayed Seokmin. 

The worst moments are when they're sitting right next to each other, but Jeonghan can't reach out to hold Seokmin's hand. His head tells him that he can't possibly miss someone that he sees every single day, but in his heart, Jeonghan misses Seokmin so much.  
  
  
  
“Hyung, I want to talk.”

It's the first time Seokmin has approached him individually since before the incident. Jeonghan keeps his expression controlled because there are still a couple of their bandmates lingering in the practice room. It's only a handful of days before their new album is released and before they perform their new comeback stage for the first time. Every hour of practice counts in these last few days. 

“Sure, what did you want to tell me?” Jeonghan asks, leaning against the mirrored wall. 

“Not here, hyung. Alone,” Seokmin says. 

Jeonghan feels a thrill at the word _alone_ , and he realizes now that he's wanted a little bit of alone time with Seokmin just about as much as he's dreaded it. 

They're back to where they started, sitting on Jeonghan's bed when the rest of the band is otherwise preoccupied. It feels achingly familiar, though his memories of heart to heart conversations with Seokmin here are now laced with a bittersweet tinge. 

Seokmin’s complexion looks a little sallow, but Jeonghan isn't sure if it's because of the harsh fluorescent lighting or his health. He wants so badly to tell Seokmin not to push himself too hard, but he knows Seokmin well enough to predict that his concern would just fall on deaf ears. 

“What did you want to talk about, Seokmin-ah?” Jeonghan asks. He wishes futilely that he wasn't the cause of Seokmin's troubled expression. 

“I wanted to tell you something before our lives get crazy again,” Seokmin says, getting straight to the point. “I still haven't stopped thinking about that night.”

Jeonghan's placid expression goes cloudy. “What about it,” he says wearily. 

“Going to the movies with you, kissing you, and touching you… I’ll never forget how perfect that night felt.”

A hot, aching feeling rises in Jeonghan's throat, but he wills himself to stay calm. 

“I know it's stupid to hope that anything would ever come out of that…” Seokmin’s voice trails off. 

“But you still hope?” Jeonghan finishes quietly for him. 

“Yeah,” Seokmin whispers, looking close to tears. “Is that wrong?”

“How should I know,” Jeonghan says, and he hugs Seokmin so fiercely that they both topple over into Jeonghan’s mattress. 

Seokmin tries to move, but Jeonghan wraps himself all the way around him as though he could protect Seokmin from everything that could hurt him. 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Seokmin asks in a muffled voice. “What's going on?”

“I'm not sure, but I love you so much, you idiot.”

“Really?” Seokmin says with such astonishment and disbelief that Jeonghan's heart aches in all kinds of new ways. 

“Yes,” Jeonghan says. Maybe he should know better than now, but he doesn't, so he kisses Seokmin. 

Jeonghan’s mind goes blank as their bodies move together with no words and all urgency. Their kiss is fraught with everything they should have said to each other earlier before they were torn apart by fear and misunderstandings. Before Jeonghan made the mistake of making conclusions on his own, without waiting to find out how Seokmin felt about any of it. 

“I love you, Seokmin. I love you so much.”

The words taste sweet, and waves of relief wash over him each time he says it. It’s even more of a relief when Jeonghan hears, “I love you too, hyung.”

As badly as Jeonghan wishes that they could kiss on his bed without worrying about time or consequences, the fact that they’re idols is always in the back of his mind. 

“Listen, Seokmin, you have to go to your own room soon,” Jeonghan reminds him, pushing Seokmin away when he tries to kiss his neck.

“Ah, hyung, can’t we kiss a little longer?”

“I want to talk about something first. When all of this is over, and we have to go our separate ways…”

“Hyung, that’s not happening anytime soon. I know it’s stupid to think we’ll be together forever, but it’s also too early for–"

“You’d miss me, right?” Jeonghan asks roughly. It’s less of a question and more of a plea, like he’s begging Seokmin for something, which is a first.

“Hyung, I don’t want to talk about the future right now,” Seokmin says in a small voice.

“Please, Seokmin. Would you keep in touch, even if we’re far away from each other?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And you’d think of me now and then?”

“What are you talking about? Of course I would, hyung.” Seokmin smiles, a little puzzled, like Jeonghan’s making a joke he doesn’t understand. “Let’s talk about something else.”

Jeonghan closes his eyes and brings Seokmin’s knuckles to his lips. He knows that in the end, he couldn’t ever make Seokmin do anything. He could only ask nicely and hope that Seokmin would listen.


End file.
